The problem of what to do about the troublesome parent and child who take their child's side at face value and never apologize, causing trouble with the other children

A troubling parent and child who take their own child's side at face value and never apologize, and who even spread all sorts of things to those around them and make the conflict bigger. The child hurled abusive words at a child who had been worrying about how to help that child get along well with everyone, driving that child to stay away from both school and soccer.

Because they were close and it was such a good team, we do not want them to be missing for a reason like this. We received such a consultation.

Yuko Shimazawa, a journalist on sports and education who is also a senior soccer mom, offers advice on a worry that is heard recently not only in soccer but in other sports and at schools. (Composition and text: Yuko Shimazawa)

<Consultation from a soccer dad>

I am a father in the U-10 generation. This is not about my own child but a consultation among parents within the same team. I apologize if this is the wrong category.

Among our boys' club, which struggles with a shortage of numbers, this is the only generation with more than 10 members, but I am posting because there is a parent and child who are difficult to deal with.

Of the 12 fourth graders, 10 attend the same elementary school. While more than half of those 10 were playing soccer during school lunch break, trouble broke out between two members (let us call them A and B).

Originally A often fought with other members too, and this time it started when A hurled abusive words at B. The fact that A hurled abusive words was heard by C, who stepped in to mediate, and by other members, but A is in a state of lying, saying "I did not say any abusive words. Everyone is bullying me," and "Even though I did nothing, C spread a lie to everyone that I did it."

*It seems C had been consulting other members about what could be done for A to get along well with everyone. There are also testimonies from other members.

Then this time, it seems A told C something like "Because of you I will not be able to make friends. I will not forgive you until you retract it to everyone," and C, in shock, has been absent from both school and soccer.

Also, A's parent reported this trouble to more than half of the club's parents by long phone calls, and in the end even told the coach. However, this parent of A is also lying little by little to various parties (there are too many to grasp the details), and is in a situation of taking it at face value without confirming the facts, saying "My son says he did not say it, so he is not in the wrong."

Even when the parent of B, who was first hurled at with abusive words, conveyed "All the children around say A did hurl abusive words," the parent sticks to the single point of "My son did not do it."

I apologize for the long preface, but as another parent, what kind of response should we take toward such a parent and child?

Personally, I have the feeling that bringing something that originally happened at elementary school into the team is... But it has grown into a bigger matter than expected and has developed into talk of members quitting or not quitting.

They are children who are close and have decent ability, so we do not want them to be missing for a reason like this......

I apologize for the long text that lacks coherence. Since it says you have long covered the education field as well, please give me any hints if you have them.

Thank you for your consultation.

There was a dispute among the children in the soccer team to which your son belongs, and it seems this has led to conflict among the parents. Even though your own son is not involved in it at all, you are hurting this much. It comes across that you are a kind father.

I also felt favorably about how you frankly wrote in the email, "They are children who are close and have decent ability, so we do not want them to be missing for a reason like this."

■A Clue to Resolution

First, I will tell you a clue to resolution.

On the soccer pitch and before and after it is time and space for only the coach and the players. This time it is an incident that happened at school, but the children belong to the same group, the soccer team.

Moreover, C, who is neither the one who hurled the abusive words nor the one who was hurled at, is absent from soccer practice because of this matter. In other words, as a soccer team, it is being affected by this trouble to no small extent.

Therefore, here you should not try to handle it alone as one father, but rather tell the coach in charge what is happening in your son's (grade's) team now.

Moreover, this time there are abusive words between teammates. Toward that, the coach has the right to know about this. Because even elementary school students are athletes who should practice fair play, and soccer is a sport in which a team helps one another.

■Relay the facts you heard calmly to the coach and have it made into a "team problem"

First, without summarizing what happened in your own words, such as "A bullied B, and on top of that spread it around that C leaked it," calmly convey the facts you heard from the children about what happened in the team. Within that, how about asking as follows.

"The place where the abusive words were said was school, but all the children involved are children of the team, so it is affecting individual soccer activities and teamwork. I think it is a good opportunity to teach fair play, so please take time after practice or at another time and have them talk it out."

Please tell the coaches that there is no need for them to hear things like "Who said what kind of abusive words to whom?"

The most important points are two.

Make sure this stays strictly a "whole team matter."

Have the children discuss what can be done for C, who is taking a break from both soccer and school, so that he can return to his normal life, and have the coach be present for that.

Do not take matters into your own hands. It is better not to try to persuade A's parents

By this point, you may be thinking, "Wait a moment? I wrote that this is 'a discussion among parents within the same team.'"

The parent of A, who is said to have made the abusive remarks, is lying. The parent of B, who was first on the receiving end of the abusive remarks, is hitting back with "All the kids around say A made the abusive remarks."

That is how the conflict between the parents is described.

But what you want to change is not A's parents, but the relationships among the children and the atmosphere of the team, right? If so, let's pour our energy into helping the children grow rather than into the adults.

That is not something you do directly; as mentioned above, it is best to leave it to the coach. Put another way, parents are already adults, so their personalities, ways of thinking and values are not easily changed. It is better not to think about trying to persuade A's parents.

Children of every era tend to carry different kinds of stress; I also want you to pay attention to the background behind abusive remarks and bullying

Next, let me say a word about the world of children.

Let's focus a little on A, who is said to have made the abusive remarks.

What kind of family environment does he have? Even if a family is financially well off, a child's heart can still be lonely. It is common for a child who has built up stress to release it on the weaker people close at hand.

For a child who makes abusive remarks or bullies others, we must look carefully at what that child is carrying.

Children in every era tend to carry different kinds of stress. Some children are nearly crushed by the expectations of their parents and those around them, whether in soccer or in studying. Some have complicated family situations and find life hard. Some suffer from being compared with their siblings. There are all kinds.

It would be good if having fun playing soccer helped them release stress, but there are also many cases in which the soccer itself has become a source of stress.

What adults can do for such children is to empathize with their feelings as thoroughly as possible. While hoping the coach will do that, try asking the coach, "What can parents do?"

For example, various things may come up, such as giving positive support at matches, or watching all the children with warm eyes.